your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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