He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
