mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
