she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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