I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
