I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
