I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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