Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
