college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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