I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
