To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Where is the hickey?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
