I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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