My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
