apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
