soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
