She told me I should be a condom model.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
