Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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