ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
