I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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