Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
