Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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