He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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