You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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