I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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