Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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