I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
