Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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