so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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