The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
