last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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