I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
