if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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