the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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