i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
