eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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