i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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