Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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