Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
