girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
