a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
