she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
