I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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