im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
