Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
