When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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