two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
