true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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