WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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