so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
