Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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